Martha  Stewart's
Holiday
"To Do" List
December
1
Blanch carcass
from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as
a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December
2
Have Mormon Tabernacle
Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December
3
Using candlewick
and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December
4
Repaint Sistine
Chapel ceiling in ecru,
with mocha trim.
December
5
Get new eyeglasses.
Grind lenses myself.
December
6
Memorize "Merry
Christmas!" in
all conceivable
languages.
December
7
Fax family Christmas
newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration
December
8
Collect dodo-eggs
for Grandma's
Traditional Eggnog.
December
9
Debug Windows'98.
December
10
Align carpets
to adjust
for curvature
of Earth.
December
11
Lay Faberge egg.
December
12
Take Dog apart.
Disinfect. Re-assemble.
December
13
Collect dentures.
They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December
14
Install plumbing
in gingerbread house.
December
15
Replace air in
mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at
mall.
December
17
Child proof the
Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December
19
Adjust legs of
chairs so each Christmas
dinner guest will
be same height when
sitting at his
or her assigned seat.
December
20
Dip sheep and
cows in egg whites and
roll in confectioner's
sugar to add a
festive sparkle
to the pasture.
   
December
21
Drain city reservoir;
refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles
in toilet tank.
December
23
Seed clouds for
white Christmas.
December
24
Do my annual good
deed. Go to several stores.
Be seen engaged
in last minute Christmas shopping,
thus making many
people feel less inadequate
than they really
are.
December
25
Bear son. Swaddle.
Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December
26
Organize spice
racks by genus and phylum.
December
27
Build snowman
in exact likeness of God.
December
31
New Year's Eve!
Give staff their resolutions.
Call a friend in each
time zone of
the world as the clock
strikes
midnight in that country.
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