HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR
NOT
YOU ARE READY TO HAVE
KIDS
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and
curtains.
Place a fish stick behind the couch
and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or
you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the
house.
Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake
a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats
are best)
and take them with you as you shop.
Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag making sure
that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill
halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord.
Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal
into the mouth of the jug,
while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on
the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag
and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m.
begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00p.m.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every
song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing
these too until 4:00a.m.
Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make
breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton.
Using a pair of scissors and pot of
paint, turn it into an alligator.
Now take a toilet paper tube and turn
it into an attractive Christmas candle.
Use only scotch tape and a piece of
foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong
ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.
Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put
it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it
into the cassette player.
Take a family size package of chocolate
chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a
garden rake along both sides of the car.
There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach
it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months.
Now remove 10 of the beans.
And try not to notice your closet full
of clothes.
You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store.
Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for
your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the
last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small
child.
Lecture them on how they can improve
their discipline, patience,
tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time.
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