CAT
RULES
Rules
for Cats to Live By
BATHROOMS:
Always
accompany guests to the bathroom.
It
is not necessary to do anything.
Just
sit and stare.
DOORS:
Do
not allow any closed doors in any room.
To
get door open, stand on hind legs and
hammer
with forepaws.
Once
door is opened, it is not necessary
to
use it. After you have ordered
an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway
in
and out and think about several things.
This
is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
season.
CHAIRS
AND RUGS:
If
you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If
you cannot manage in time, get to an
Oriental
rug. If there is no Oriental rug,
shag
is good.
When
throwing up on the carpet,
make
sure you back up so it is as long
as
a humans bare foot.
HAMPERING:
If
one of your humans is engaged in
some
activity and the other is idle,
stay
with the busy one.
This
is called "helping,"
otherwise
known as "hampering."
Following
are the rules for "hampering:"
1)
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped
on and then picked up and comforted.
2)
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,unless
you can lie
across
the book itself.
3)
For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much
of
the work as possible or at least.
Pretend
to doze, but every so often reach
out
and slap the pencil or pen.
4)
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump
on
the
back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
5)
When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard,
bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
across
arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING:
As
often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the
human, especially:
on
stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they
first get up
in
the morning. This will help their
coordination
skills.
BEDTIME:
Always
sleep on the human at night
so
he/she cannot move around.
LITTER
BOX:
When
using the litter box, be sure to kick
as
much litter out of the box as possible.
Humans
love the feel of kitty litter
between
their toes.
HIDING:
Every
now and then, hide in a place
where
the humans cannot find you.
Do
not come out for three to four
hours
under any circumstances.
This
will cause the humans to panic
(which
they love) thinking that you
have
run away or are lost.
Once
you do come out, the humans will
cover
you with love and kisses
and
you will probably get a treat.
ONE
LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever
possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around,
and
present your butt to them.
Humans
love this, so do it often.
And don't
forget guests!
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