Dear Addict 
 

You are hereby notified that a domestic complaint has been filed in U.S.A. Municipal Court by Management, herein referred to as "the Plaintiff," alleging alienation of job duties and interpersonal neglect due to excessive addiction to online services collectively referred to as the Internet. 

Plaintiff claims that you ("the Defendant") regularly engage in computer-based conversation (via electronic mail or "chat lines") with unknown individuals until well past midnight, with reckless disregard of Plaintiff's emotional and physical welfare. 

Plaintiff also claims that the Defendant has caused irreparable damage to shared social life by refusing contact with now-former friends, and has instead spent 123 consecutive weekends "browsing" or "surfing" the World Wide Web for as many as 16 hours a day. 

Plaintiff further alleges that the Defendant has abandoned even minimal personal hygiene, causing widespread visual and olfactory distress. 

Your appearance is required in Courtroom A on Tuesday at 9 a.m. 

Failure to appear will result in a bench warrant for your arrest. 

Plaintiff's conditions of settlement in this matter include: 
a. Commit yourself to a 30-day program at the Bill Gates Treatment Center in Redmond, Washington. 
b. Submit to face-to-face communication with Plaintiff for at least 15 minutes per day. 
c. Hand-deliver a written apology to all estranged friends and relatives (do NOT e-mail). 
d. Engage in no Internet activities without the direct supervision of the Plaintiff. All such activities will occupy a total of no more than one hour per day. 
e. Attend an accredited class in corrective hygiene. 

Please call this office within three (3) business days to discuss settlement terms. Should you fail to do so, Plaintiff can elect to cancel all Internet access and reboot you to the curb. 
 

Thank you, 
Court Administrator